I work at Olive Garden as a hostess and when one or two or the hosts aren’t particularly busy we open the doors for guests coming in and out. Today I opened the door for a party of 5 or so and I was smiling and greeting the party. One of the older men reached out and grabbed my chin and said, “Now that’s a smile, look at that!” It was sweet I guess but also like no gross do not touch me please you and your gross sense of male entitlement. And then when the greeter host told the party that Nicole would be taking them to their table, the same man made a big show and kept saying things like, “Oh you mean this fine young girl over here?” I guess sometimes I’ll just have customers like that.
Also a line cook was up in the lobby hanging out during his break talking to the other host (they are both males) and when my coworker left to go walk around the dining room I struck up a conversation with the cook. We talked about being new in a place and making friends and how people make judgmental assumptions based on appearance (he mentioned his several visible tattoos and that he is Puerto Rican) and it was a good conversation about being genuine. Then later when we were clocking out my fellow host told me the cook texted him saying he thought I was attractive, which is fine I guess but idk it made me feel weird.
I’m sad tonight
I’m racked in guilt over leaving my mom behind in the desert by herself so I could move across the country to Vermont. I’m a burden on my dad even though he lives far away in another state and the stupid fear he left me with makes me feel like I’m lame and stupid and a failure and literally the subject keeps coming up and I feel like such a half ass when I have to keep saying over and over to people that I don’t party/drink/smoke.
Also I just I wish I knew exactly how my boyfriend views me. Overall he’s the nicest and most caring and greatest I could ask for, but there are moments when I feel like sometimes I’m not that important and that I’m kind of on the back burner. He does have a life and he’s busy getting ready for college and I’m not expecting him to worship me or fawn or over me or text me 24/7 because that’s not what I want, but sometimes I just want to feel like he cares as much as I do.
I went to a clean party last night with some friends where we just ate snacks and played games and it was fun but I could tell that a couple of the guys were wishing there was alcohol (including the boyf because as far as I know he’s always down to drink right now) and it just made me sad. I can’t see myself ever getting into partying and getting wasted and I’m very glad about that actually but sometimes it just makes me feel lame and lonely and too old for my body.
Okay there was a random type fest of some things going on. I’m just really confused right now and worried about some things and I don’t want to have to wake up early tomorrow but I do and I just want to cuddle and sleep.